Fear

Alright, so I'm kind of new to this whole blogging thing.  I think I'm just going to talk about my day so far so here goes.  

It was one of those things where nothing bad really happened but you just feel really negative.  Like things have been so great the last week that now, anything less than great is like..."uhhh what's going on?  Why aren't things perfect?" But today reawakened, or at least, reminded me about something I struggle with more than I think.  Fear. 

I'm scared of my future.  I obviously can't predict the future and I'm trying to use God and the word as like a light, so I can see where I need to step.  But right now it feels like, there's no light anywhere and I need to take a step--but I don't know if it will be ground, or a cliff, or a bear-trap lined with explosives.  And I felt like since Indy-CC that since I've been working on my fear, that its been tamed to a point where I haven't been afraid like I used to be.  I've been trying to be a man.  And I thought it was starting to work.  BUT, all I did today was worry. 

 

I don't know where I'll be after Spring Break.  If I make it past that, I don't know what I'm going to do in my life with college. ROTC? I'm not good at anything here.  I don't want to do anything but music but I'm not good with that either.  And this is so personal but like, I'm so afraid I won't ever meet someone for me.  I'm on a date fast now and up to today, I've been pretty good with not worrying about anything related to that but man..I just feel like I'm screwed.  I honestly feel like my purpose doesn't involve anyone else.  That might sound weird.  It probably is weird. Whatever I don't know.  

I put myself in a very potentially life threatening situation to help protect someone I didn't know recently without a speck of fear in my heart.  I made myself vulnerable to a friend a few days ago and that's HUGE for me and my passive flesh.  I'll take two steps forward, and then fifty thousand back with a day like today.

Summary:  I don't feel like a man.  I feel like a kid.  I don't feel like I'm making much progress.  I feel like, at this rate, I won't ever be able to take care of anyone other than myself.